In the midst of a creative high, I found overwhelming stress. Many times I wanted to drop in a heap. I always felt this feeling walking up or down the stairway and I was always tempted to drop. It would have felt good to feel sorry for me, to stop moving and have no care but for a moment. Maybe I knew this deep inside, though I cannot quite figure out why I kept moving at the time. Well, I just do not have time to think about it deeply now. What was going on? It was already a year after mother’s passing. I missed her day in and out; but I had somehow come to appreciate that I could only long for her and cry just when I was safe with me or family. Here I was figuring out life in amaze of all sorts beings. Would I survive? I believed I would, I put out my best weapons the best way I could master not knowing there is one weapon I had to learn to engage. Was I going to sail through to the end? would I drown? I knew I had to focus, but was it enough? Commit? How do you even do this when what you know best seems unclear?
In the craze of mastering this weapon, the missiles were coming for me. Sometimes I pushed through without tears but a bitter or entreating prayer. Unfocused prayer; God my Father, my friend like mother had promised was always there. Holding me, patting my back and nudging me to find him. Sometimes too quiet for my liking. With His leading arm I still felt helpless because many times I could not see beyond what was happening in the moment. My hope, that was bred as a little girl in Sunday School, mums daily more like a proverbial ritual ‘lecture’ as my siblings and I always referred to the mum/parent talk on to the children (it makes so much sense today though. Thankful for the lectures-) while I read Guideposts, watched 700 Club and other Christian programs and how God had moved and was moving in my family would always remind me of His greatness and protection.
BUT I did not know, that that was just glimpse; the journey in the unexpected was just beginning. I thought I knew where I was going, maybe I did but I did not know the stops, the puddles, the breakdowns and all. I was hoping it would be as I mapped it out and I was disappointed, excited, lost and zealous for adventure. I cannot tell you the story so well because I am still trying to figure it out. It left me so torn but SO WHOLE. I know, its not making sense at all. But that’s my story. In tears, I held my chin up, fought through the crowd and My Heavenly Father NEVER left me at all. I asked questions pondered my purpose, reviewed my calling just in case I had lied to myself or lost the vision.
Time and time again I wondered; why wont my creativity pay off, why wont I just walk into that bookshop and my story is in the shelves. It should be there already, it should be there now. I wanted to scream.
Often I asked myself and many times God; Is anyone strong? How strong can you be? How do you do it? These are the questions we ask all the time. They are deep inside or we have voiced them to someone at one point. I mean, at some point we start looking for answers especially when we realise that there is something we need and we have not got yet. Bear in mind that the real reason we ask questions is to understand and convince oneself that we are not loosing our minds.
Commitment is important in every sphere of our lives. It is one of the keys that lead to growth and change. You must commit enough to welcome change because that vision requires you to make unusual moves so you can fit in its space. It’s just a single word but it requires so much from within you. But you need to choose what you commit to because whether you are aware of what you are committed to or not you are still committed.
I have worked on doing a number of things and I realise that what makes anything we do stand out is the fact that we commit despite the issues along the way. As simple as the word commit may look and sound, it is so complex.
When it does not make sense at all that is probably when you ought to believe more. Trust that God will take you to that place he revealed to you; but, you ought to inquire of him what to do, when and how. This way, he will uphold you. Commit to seeking God and His commitment to you will manifest. Jesus said “seek and you will find….” it was not just words, they carry value. I have experienced a bit of it and I say a bit because I believe there is so much more that God is yet to uncover; about me, in me and about him. I tell you what, I cannot wait. Oh yes, I cannot wait.
“I am committed to waiting on Him and seeking Him.”