Can you commit to the journey….

In the midst of a creative high, I found overwhelming stress. Many times I wanted to drop in a heap. I always felt this feeling walking up or down the stairway and I was always tempted to drop. It would have felt good to feel sorry for me, to stop moving and have no care but for a moment. Maybe I knew this deep inside, though I cannot quite figure out why I kept moving at the time. Well, I just do not have time to think about it deeply now.  What was going on? It was already a year after mother’s passing. I missed her day in and out; but I had somehow come to appreciate that I could only long for her and cry just when I was safe with me or family.  Here I was figuring out life in amaze of all sorts beings. Would I survive? I believed I would, I put out my best weapons the best way I could master not knowing there is one weapon I had to learn to engage.  Was I going to sail through to the end? would I drown? I knew I had to focus, but was it enough? Commit? How do you even do this when what you know best seems unclear?

In the craze of mastering this weapon, the missiles were coming for me. Sometimes I pushed through without tears but a bitter or entreating prayer. Unfocused prayer; God my Father, my friend like mother had promised was always there. Holding me, patting my back and nudging me to find him. Sometimes too quiet for my liking. With His leading arm I still felt helpless because many times I could not see beyond what was happening in the moment. My hope, that was bred as a little girl in Sunday School, mums daily more like a proverbial ritual ‘lecture’ as my siblings and I always referred to the mum/parent talk on to the children (it makes so much sense today though. Thankful for the lectures-) while I read Guideposts, watched 700 Club and other Christian programs and how God had moved and was moving in my family would always remind me of His greatness and protection.

BUT I did not know, that that was just glimpse; the journey in the unexpected was just beginning. I thought I knew where I was going, maybe I did but I did not know the stops, the puddles, the breakdowns and all. I was hoping it would be as I mapped it out and I was disappointed, excited, lost and zealous for adventure. I cannot tell you the story so well because I am still trying to figure it out.  It left me so torn but SO WHOLE. I know, its not making sense at all. But that’s my story. In tears, I held my chin up, fought through the crowd and My Heavenly Father NEVER  left me at all. I asked questions pondered my purpose, reviewed my calling just in case I had lied to myself or lost the vision.

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The board always has so many destinations, but you must stick to the one you booked.

Time and time again I wondered; why wont my creativity pay off, why wont I just walk into that bookshop and my story is in the shelves. It should be there already, it should be there now. I wanted to scream.

Often I asked myself and many times God; Is anyone strong? How strong can you be?  How do you do it? These are the questions we ask all the time. They are deep inside or we have voiced them to someone at one point. I mean, at some point we start looking for answers especially when we realise that there is something we need and we have not got yet. Bear in mind that the real reason we ask questions is to understand and convince oneself that we are not loosing our minds.

Commitment is important in every sphere of our lives. It is one of the keys that lead to growth and change. You must commit enough to welcome change because that vision requires you to make unusual moves so you can fit in its space. It’s just a single word but it requires so much from within you. But you need to choose what you commit to because whether you are aware of what you are committed to or not you are still committed.

I have worked on doing a number of things and I realise that what makes anything we do stand out is the fact that we commit despite the issues along the way. As simple as the word commit may look and sound, it is so complex.

When it does not make sense at all that is probably when you ought to believe more. Trust that God will take you to that place he revealed to you; but, you ought to inquire of him what to do, when and how. This way, he will uphold you. Commit to seeking God and His commitment to you will manifest. Jesus said “seek and you will find….” it was not just words, they carry value. I have experienced a bit of it and I say a bit because I believe there is so much more that God is yet to uncover; about me, in me and about him. I tell you what, I cannot wait. Oh yes, I cannot wait.

“I am committed to waiting on Him and seeking Him.”

End.

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I would be a lair if I said I wasn’t angry

There are many things that tick me off, many that make me want to scream. Do I scream at every moment? sure not but  yeah I get angry many times. Sometimes its not necessary and yet other times its totally justified that I even  say something nasty to you. None the less, its not correct to blow it.

It takes humility to acknowledge our emotions. More so, to say it a loud sometimes but politely instead of keeping an inner grudge against someone who does not seem to see your the problem. This may not mean that the person  who hurt you will understand you at all. But they may learn that something words and actions are hurtful; they may change or not even care.

Such a controversial situation. Life is full of them but it can also be delightful. I personally manage today through the help of the Holy Spirit and the grounding my mother gave me besides the lessons life has taught me. Don’t raise that eyebrow cause life has some classes to give you whether you enrolled or not.

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Stick to the process.

Whenever the issue at hand is extremely difficult, your ears a deaf to words like ‘hang in there’. But the truth is giving up is not the correct way; stick in there will sound unthoughtful yet it’s what you have got to do. I would pretty much understand your feelings but you can’t throw in a towel. Infact that’s when you ought to hold on. Cry through it but don’t give up.

In my walk with christ, I have found myself in a position where letting go was the next best option. I have cried so hard asking God why I have to be in a difficult place and he seemed so far. I cried myself to sleep. But what’s beautiful is that I would sleep off and wake up peaceful despite the trouble and unanswered questions.

I hate and love to admit all the time that I can be going through so much and I still see God’s goodness. But yeah, God is faithful more than faithful. I like to say I have been to hell and back however I am glad I have trode the journey I have especially with God at my side. I never imagined I would one day be thankful for journeying through what I have.  I can proudly say I am glad I did not give up when nothing else made sense. I continue to trust God with belief that he knows me better I even do.I am grown and better, may be I could have avoided somethings, maybe my mother should have stayed alive ‘if the I don’t know what had not happened’, I miss her everyday and right now.  I wanted to give up when she was no more but somehow I thought it would do her proud to see me keep fighting on, in the midst of so many bruises, swollen eyes and bleeding lips I still choose to dream even when I hang on to hope against hope.

Here is the ding moment.

The painful process is key for you destiny, you ought to ask God for wisdom to avoid double punches instead of just one, the wisdom to navigate and rise above you situation comes from the grace and favour of God. And when you think it’s all aimless, that moment will come and you will marvel. You will be glad you held on.

HOLD ON!!!!!!!!!

 

Mother; love beauty and selflessness

I know a true mother  loves passionately.

I know a true mother sacrifices so much more;

And I know a true mother teaches with a hard hand and cuddles with the other.

My mother was that mother;

A nurturer and a counselor.

Giving yet living

I indeed know a true mother;

dedicated and caring

I know you mother; your love so real left footprints on our hearts and your kisses are still fresh and warm on our cheeks

You beauty still a live memory that pushes us to beat you at it. A marvelous mother you were and will always be remembered.

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To hell with cancer.

I have for so long been mad about losing my mother. And my experience at the Mulago Cancer Institute did not make it any easier. After watching Ty Bolinger’s  The Truth About Cancer, I realise that I am not alone. The pain I have long felt is appreciated by someone else. I am also glad he chose to do something good to make a difference. At some point I thought encouraging patients to change lifestyle especially in the way they eat would be just like a drop in the ocean but I realise it would make a huge difference.

My mother’s words are still fresh in my mind;”If I had known better, I would not have gone in for chemotherapy.” Indeed that was the worst decision ever and whats worse is seeing others die in ignorance. What does not make sense to me is why doctors and nurses at the institute are not educated about what to eat and what not to because eating right improves the patients health and allows them to avoid certain side effects chemotherapy. Instead Oncologists are bent on giving you the next available medication.

I gather that they see so much people in pain and this make them numb but I believe that can be used as a motivation to encourage the patients to change their lifestyle. It would be great to change a life and save another by taking time to educate people on healthy eating and living rather than the fact that you sentence them to death with your words especially knowing the power of you position.The words”you will die in a year and you will never get healed,” seriously are not called for. Why then wont we feel like this is a death sentence that one even dies before their time. Some people even become more careless. I am saying to ‘hell with cancer’; and asking you to ask questions about alternative medicine, consult a nutritionist and remember its not a death sentence; you can live a little long than the doctor says, get completely healed if you believe. Find information from those that survived and those that did not choose chemo. Ask the doctor if chemo is a solution and how it works.

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Her children rise and call her blessed.

If anyone challenges me, my mother does. Four years after her going to be with the lord, I continue to be reminded to do things the way she taught me. I desire to have a plan and follow through with it just like she did. I indeed rise up and call her blessed. I am glad I spent so much time with her. Every time I am doing something brilliant and outstanding, I see her speak and hear her words over and over again. Her love for God still wows me.

My mother always woke up early and would begin her day praying and reading her Bible. She always wanted to learn and was always challenging herself. She believed that someone out there had something to teach her. Interesting, right? For sure it is a blessing to have been raised by her.

Wisdom comes from the lord. There are so many people today who think they are wise just because they are knowledgeable; even then the knowledge they have is not enough without Christ. Without the wisdom of God, your knowledge will be useless without wisdom to apply the knowledge. I continue to believe that the spirit of wisdom was within my mother because she was beautiful from inside out and this is so for she was true, meek, loving and her words were counsel.

I am inspired to wake up with a desire to be better every new day despite the happenings of the day before. We continue to celebrate mom.

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